In recent years, the divorce rate around the world has been increasing. Speaking of the reasons for divorce, according to the survey, emotional discord is the main reason.
Must we win or lose in the relationship between husband and wife? Every day for some trivial things to fight.
One side always wants peace to be the most precious thing, and continues to tolerate, and finally comes to a big explosion.
Contradictions with the other party's parents, or some habits of the other party's parents.
I am very disappointed with the other party. I feel that the other party is always what it is and can't make changes.
Every client speaks of a history of blood and tears. In fact, it is normal for couples to quarrel:
"There are no couples in the world who don't fight. If you don't even have this common sense, please don't get married first. It's not too late to see each other for a few years."
It is said that marriage is the tomb of love. Is it true that when you enter into marriage, you must quarrel constantly and never have a good life again? You can live without fighting, okay?
In fact, when we get married, we all hope to live the ideal life in our minds and run for happiness.
The ideal is very plump, why is the reality so bony? Why do some people get divorced soon after marriage, and some people still want to restore their freedom after decades of living together?
What are the correct ideas and practices? It is necessary to understand how to fight correctly so that both sides can express their thoughts and live in peace. Therefore, this article is roughly divided into the following three parts:
Why do you quarrel? Why is the quarrel not a torrent, but an opportunity to enhance feelings?
Why should we learn to fight correctly in life? What new inspiration can the ability to fight correctly bring to our marriage life?
How should we cultivate the ability to fight correctly? How to turn quarrels into emotional lubricants?
Why do you quarrel? Why is the quarrel not a torrent, but an opportunity to enhance feelings?
Why do couples quarrel?
Evolutionary science shows that it is our connection with others that enables us to survive. When our connection with others is threatened, we will unconsciously quarrel. Some partners unconsciously avoid quarrels, and some partners argue fiercely. It is our instinctive reaction.
"When a couple gets married, history begins and romance ends."
A good quarrel is when we argue about something, not to win. In the process of quarrel, the discontent buried in the heart and the fear of childhood are all shown one by one. When we face these problems directly, they will turn into opportunities for mutual empowerment and common growth in our intimate relationship.
Why should we learn to fight correctly in life? What new inspiration can the ability to fight correctly bring to our marriage life?
When we encounter contradictions, it is possible to express our views emotionally or adopt an evasive attitude due to instinct. Our traditional idea is that emotional expression will hurt our relationship, but avoiding it is not wise.
Dr. Jhon Gottman, a psychologist, once founded the "Love Lab" at Walton University.
He has studied the marriage relationship for more than 30 years and found that the couples who claim to never quarrel are usually more satisfied with their marriage than the average people in a short time.
However, after waiting for three years, Gottman came back to study this group of non-quarreling couples and found that their marital satisfaction was lower than that of those who quarrelled with the problem.
When you are emotional, you may want to win rather than solve the problem. When evading, we hope that the other party can understand our thoughts. In fact, it is difficult for the other party to understand our real thoughts without saying it.
When we focus on solving problems, benign quarrels will promote our feelings and make our life better and better.
How should we cultivate the ability to fight correctly? How to turn quarrels into emotional lubricants?
- Follow your true thoughts
We all want to be affirmed and listened to. Every time we quarrel, we may forget what we are arguing about. We can ask ourselves what I want after the quarrel? Then you can know your true thoughts.
Only when we are clear about our real needs can we communicate effectively, and then we can gradually meet our needs, so that we can be more satisfied with life.
- Actively argue and interact
For us, more positive interaction and less negative interaction will make our relationship closer. Gottman pointed out that when a happy partner quarrels, the ratio of positive interaction to negative interaction is 5:1.
So when we use one negative language to our partner, we should use at least five positive languages to make up for it. Will be more helpful to our happiness.
Moreover, the purpose of our quarrel is to solve the problem, not to win.
- Untie the heart knot
The reason for our quarrel with our partner is probably the unresolved heart knot many years ago. We mistakenly associate the past with the present, and our partner usually has the deficiencies we want to make up subconsciously. However, we are destined to spend our life with an enemy.
This relationship promotes us to improve ourselves, learn, grow and progress.
- Emancipate oneself
We are often limited by our inherent ideas. We can change our ideas through the "concept of empowerment".
We do things in a way consistent with the "concept of empowerment", and imagine how we can do better if something happens to us. For example, imagine yourself getting up early every day, and do it according to it, and you will become better and better, and become more and more excellent people.
- Change the relationship
After we liberate ourselves, if we want to maintain a lasting change in our relationship with our partner, we must form new behavior habits and consciously practice them, otherwise, we will return to the original relationship mode soon.
- Keep practicing and keep changing
Vladimir, the world famous pianist. Horowitz once said, "If I don't practice for one day, I will find it myself. If I don't practice for two days, my wife will find it. If I don't practice for three days, the whole world will find it."
When we liberate ourselves and change our relationship with our partners, if we don't practice, we will soon recover. We must always maintain the awareness of change and continue to act for it.
Finally, summarize the full text:
In our relationship with our partners, we often quarrel over trivial matters that others seem unimportant, even to the extent of divorce.
In fact, after we choose to marry each other, it is not easy. We can only live in harmony by following our true thoughts and untiing our heart knot. At the same time, we should constantly empower ourselves, form new behavior habits and persist in practice. In this way, we can get along more and more harmoniously.