Have you noticed a phenomenon that we often have "double standards" towards people and things without realizing it? For example, human beings have been vigorously advocating the protection of rare animals, if I ask you: "Why do we have to do this?" If I ask you, "Why are we doing this?" you may say without thinking, "Because it's rare." If I ask you: "Why is it rare and why is it precious?" You would probably be able to say one or two or three things, such as it is good for the ecological balance, it can maintain the richness of the world, and so on.

If after a while I ask you again, "How do you generally describe people who are not quite like most people?" At this point, you'd probably blurt out, "The oddballs! The forest is full of birds!" When you utter such a comment without burden, you may not even perceive yourself that you hold a negative view of those who are different from the majority. And this creates a classic double standard with your positive comments about rare animals.

In fact, there are quite a few things like this, and some people go their whole lives without seeing the random, capricious nature of their thinking. And, of course, such a mental model can make life difficult and challenging, especially for marriage. Today, we're going to talk about how differences should be viewed and treated in a marriage.

Ignoring and suppressing differences makes relationships hard to last

Chances are that two people in the heat of the moment don't feel the presence of differences in each other because the limited attention is focused on the heart-to-heart and heart-to-heart. And due to hormonal effects, lovers' rational thinking is also greatly constrained. They are willing to respond to each other's needs unconditionally, even if they have different views, but also consciously or unconsciously ignored and suppressed, in order to build a beautiful romantic relationship. Therefore, many lovers are not psychologically prepared to deal with differences, believing strongly that a love match and a heart of gold is the script for marriage, and that two people with many differences are simply not going to make it into a marriage.

However, life's challenges don't quietly recede just because you're not ready. When the relationship is more stable and secure, lovers' rationality begins to return. They begin to express themselves authentically and believe that people need to treat each other fairly. This is when differences that were once greatly underestimated begin to show themselves.

Upon discovering this unanticipated fact, lovers may be shocked, then feel a sense of deception, anger, and frustration, and may then take action by criticizing, blaming, or forcing a unification of their views. As it turns out, these approaches are simply ineffective. At this point, the once-intimate relationship is at risk of breaking down.

Here I would like to tell lovers some important points about difference. First, differences are inevitable between people. The most genetically similar identical twins still have many psychological differences, not to mention the two people who make up the family, with different genders, different talents, different growth environments, and different social expectations. Therefore, it is an unrealistic and irrational expectation to expect that lovers will coincide with each other every day. We must accept that there are differences between people, and this has nothing to do with love or not.

Secondly, many differences are not right or wrong and need not be evaluated, but rather understood and respected. For example, love to talk and love to laugh and calm and introverted are different qualities of human beings, have their own advantages and adapt to the scene, can not be arbitrarily commented on as "crazy", "boring", not because of other people and their own different from the other arbitrarily degrade each other.
Last but not least, we should learn to see the value of differences. Part of the reason for disliking differences is that we don't like things we're not familiar with because we have to learn new ways to cope with them and change years of habits, which uses up more energy in the brain and body, so we're always resisting and fighting change.

In fact, the richness that comes with difference is of higher value for efficiency, expansion and life improvement than the drain of incomprehension and discomfort that comes with difference. You learn to get along with your own heart because of your lover's quietness, and gain the power of silence; you improve your adaptability because of the adjustment of your eating habits, and can navigate a wider world; you have more alternatives because of your understanding of different solutions, and you are more ready for problem solving ...... All of these are the differences that bring our life to a All these are the new heights that differences bring to our lives.

Therefore, for some non-principle differences, mature people can change from tolerance to acceptance, and then cherish the expansion of the differences, and even enthusiastically embrace the richness of life brought by the differences.

Accepting and valuing differences makes for a happier marriage

Some time ago, there was a particularly hot personality assessment, referred to as MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), which was compiled by the American writer Isabel Briggs Myers and her mother, Kathryn Cook Briggs, based on the psychological type theory of the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung. -The MBTI is a very clear and interesting division of people, and we will use it today as an example of how to turn differences into marital wealth.

According to some psychologists, if there is only one way to categorize people into two types, it must be introverts and extroverts. In life, we almost always comment on ourselves and others in terms of introversion and extroversion, but there's actually a big difference between what we understand by introversion and extroversion (perky vs. shy) and the Jungian idea of introversion vs. extroversion.

What do you use to restore energy if you're particularly tired? Some people are particularly fond of calling on friends and having a drink. Some people are puzzled by this: if they are tired, shouldn't they stay home and rest?

According to MBTI, this is precisely the difference between people who are extroverted and those who are introverted. Extraverted people (E) tend to devote their attention and energy to the external world (external people, objects, environment, etc.), while introverted people (I) are more concerned with the internal condition of the self (inner emotions, thoughts, etc.). Individuals of both types will feel comfortable and energized in their preferred world, while they will feel restless and exhausted when they go to the opposite world. As a result, extroverts are able to absorb energy when they are around others, while introverts favor recovery when they are alone. Now, can you understand why some people move outward the more tired they get?

Many people have been trying to understand: is it better to have similar or complementary personalities in marriage? In my opinion, people are not completely similar and the benefits of similarity are more about familiarity with each other and simplicity of coping, not much from the perspective of human growth and team effectiveness. Some people may say, how can people grow when they have different personalities and talk to each other every day? That depends on how you view and apply the differences between two people. If you are an introverted person, and you just want to transform your extroverted partner into the same as yourself, and you are used to think carefully before reacting to things, and you hate him for not thinking before acting, then it is estimated that you may not be able to grow up even if you spend your whole life. If you are willing to appreciate his enthusiasm, quick reaction and curiosity, coupled with your prudence, introspection and deeper thinking, you will form a complementary strengths and teamwork together. Each person doesn't have to make a special effort to change, yet they can cope with areas they don't excel in, and that's the power of valuing differences.