Q: My husband often makes domestic violence, and often says, "My father is beating my mother like this. What's the matter with me slapping you?" "I don't want to beat you at all. You forced me to do it." But when I want to leave, he will also say, "Wife, you can't leave me, I only have you." What should I do?
A: When I saw your description, I could not help sighing for you at the same time. What the domestic violence man said was too typical. I doubt whether he came out of the script.
The first dialogue, "That's how my father hit my mother", reveals the origin of domestic violence, which psychologists have discovered for a long time. Many people's domestic violence behavior patterns are influenced by their original family. There are several psychological mechanisms involved:
One is imitation. This is easy to understand. When I saw my father beating people, I imitated it myself.
The second is identification. This is complicated. In a family, if the father takes the dominant position and has domestic violence, and the mother relies on each other for various reasons and is completely unable to resist or even obey, for example, the abuser and the victim match exactly, then they are harmonious, although it may be morbid harmony in the eyes of outsiders. But the children who live in it since childhood do not know that there are other better ways to get along. He identifies with his father either because he worships the strong, or because he is also a victim of beatings. He will identify with his father for the survival instinct and fear of survival. At the same time, both can be combined.
The third is internalization. The result of imitation and identification must be to internalize the image of domestic violence, and make yourself an abuser from inside out.
The second sentence is "I don't want to hit you at all. You forced me to do it". It shirks the responsibility of beating others and attributes it to others. It is the mistakes of others that make him have to do it. To make excuses for his atrocities is to deny or admit that he is wrong and to defend against morality. Many times, for the domestic violence, such defense is so strong that even he believes it, that is, he really believes that he is forced to do it.
The third sentence, "Wife, you can't leave me, I only have you", contains complex content.
1、 There are real and realistic pleadings. Because the internal abusive mode of domestic violence is deeply rooted, it is actually difficult for him to establish a truly equal and friendly relationship with others. The best situation is to wear a social mask reluctantly. For example, some white-collar workers or professors with elegant appearance, but most of them are lonely, angry and hostile. So he said "only you" is probably true. Maybe it will make you feel pity and reluctant to give up.
2、 Control. Almost all domestic violators will exercise various forms of control over the victims: physical control, such as not letting out of the house and not contacting outsiders; Psychological and spiritual control, such as belittling and swearing at each other. His pleading, including the one mentioned above, also means control. Although only you may be true, he still serves the control goal of "you can't leave me".
3、 Dependency. Domestic abusers usually consider themselves to be strong, but do not realize their dependence. But the fact is that the abusers must rely on the victims to some extent to exist. Of course, this dependence is not the only object. If the victims wake up and leave, the abusers will immediately look for the next victim. That is to say, the object he really depends on is not necessarily you, but your beaten identity. In addition, domestic violence victims, such as your husband, are likely to have been beaten when they were young. They have a victim's side in their hearts and also have the need to rely on them.
The above in-depth analysis of the causes, characteristics and internal psychology of domestic violence, I hope you can draw similar conclusions after reading:
1 If a person who has a clear pattern of domestic violence is still growing up in an original family with a history of domestic violence, you should add points in assessing its severity and obstinacy.
- Because they attribute domestic violence to others, in their belief system, the fault lies with others, such as your husband, so they basically have no ability to reflect and perceive, and naturally have no desire to change and grow, so don't have too much hope for their change.
- You should seriously consider whether his plea is meaningful to you if he does not change or the probability of change is low? Or if it is a small probability, are you still willing to work hard for it?
- Anyway, you must know that you need to be prepared for leaving in all aspects, including psychological and material aspects.