Today, I'm going to talk to my friends who are preparing to enter the marriage hall to help you prepare your mind before marriage.
Learn the ability to love and make love the primary motivation for marriage

In the last issue, I introduced you to a variety of reasons to get married, and now let's see what kind of hidden dangers these motives without careful thinking bring to marriage.
The guy who "wants a wife who cooks for him" soon discovers that he and his wife have neither a common language nor a common hobby, and that his wife is not willing to be a cook, so naturally their marriage is not going so well;

The guy who got married before his ex-girlfriend because he didn't want to lose found out that he knew too little about his wife, and many problems arose, and some of them were very difficult to solve;

The girl who was busy jumping out of her family of origin realizing that she was just jumping from one pit to another and not living happily ever after because she got married;
And that girl who got married because she was pregnant found that having a child didn't make the two of them quarrel less, on the contrary, the load of marriage is heavier ......
So, what kind of motivation for marriage can make marriage develop in a healthy direction?

Modern marriage carries five main functions: reproduction, economic, sexual, social and psychological.

Specifically, getting married and having children can raise children for old age, and can also satisfy the expectations of society for people's reproductive function; economic sharing after marriage can make couples complement each other's economic resources, and can also realize the division of labor and cooperation within the family; the couple's life can make people's basic physiological needs - the need for sexuality to be met reasonably and legally, which is especially important in places with a more traditional sexual culture. This is especially important in places where sexual culture is more traditional; after marriage, people can turn people from two families into relatives, thus obtaining more stable and reliable interpersonal relationships and more social support. The intimate relationship of marriage allows people's psychological needs to be greatly satisfied because there is someone who loves you exclusively, takes care of you, and regards you as the most important person in his life, and this kind of obtaining is very important to our sense of security, belonging, and sense of value.

So, are these motives for marriage equivalent in the impact they have on marriage? Is any one motivation more influential in building a happy marriage?
When I was doing marriage counseling, I had a close look at different families and found that sexual fulfillment was more difficult in families where the love base was weaker.
Many people understand that women are mostly sexually motivated by love, therefore, in unloving marriages, women have a hard time getting their sexual needs met and are certainly not willing to give sexual attention to men.

Do you think women are the only ones who are victims? Of course not. There is also no way for men to have sex without love for long periods of time in an ongoing relationship like marriage, so the function of love is important for the sexual fulfillment of both spouses.

At the same time, loveless marriage also has a certain impact on the function of reproduction. Many families lay down after having one child, and the possibility of having two or three children is greatly reduced. Because for them, giving birth to a child is to complete the task and be accountable to the elderly. A child is not the fruit of love, so they do not look forward to it much.

I also found that couples with weaker love dynamics are less willing to share economic and interpersonal resources with each other, and it is difficult for them to feel the synergy of the family in their marriage, even if much of their energy is spent on guarding against the kinds of losses that may be brought about by the breakdown of intimacy.

On the other hand, couples whose love needs are better satisfied can enjoy intimate physical contact and physical fulfillment, and this satisfaction makes them feel happier and more willing to share resources and give more love. In addition, the peak experience of sex serves as a long-lasting memory resource, which is more conducive to the transformation of the passion of married life into an affectionate relationship after the passion has faded.

Therefore, those who are ready to get married must cherish love and learn the ability to love, so that love can become the most important motive for marriage.

Learn to have reasonable expectations and get from reason, give and take

"Marriage doesn't fulfill all our fantasies about the opposite sex."

"Marriage is a flawed happily ever after."

"Marriage is not a profit-making tool for us to win alone."

"Marriage is not a relationship between only two people."

"Happy marriages basically come from trying to build them."

"When a marriage goes wrong it doesn't mean dissolution, it means problem solving."

"Marriage has its own stages of growth and stages of tasks."

These marriage aphorisms that Mr. Kwan said are beliefs that students often remember, recall and use to guide their marriages and exercise self-discipline on their own.

Prior to marriage, it is critical to the health of a marriage that people have reasonable expectations. I have encountered a number of distressed visitors in marriage counseling who expect marriage to save them from their extreme insecurity and then are disappointed because they feel that their significant other has given them so little and is not at all a qualified partner.

They completely fail to realize that the other half is not a counselor and does not have the skills to heal him. Most importantly, the partner is not psychologically prepared to be his counselor, because the partner expects a marriage relationship of mutual care, not one-way, unconditional giving and tolerance. This kind of excessive demand for marriage is bound to get no positive response, so a healthy marriage should be built on sensible expectations of marriage.

There are also some partners who are full of beautiful and positive fantasies, and know almost nothing about the limitations of marriage itself.

Marriage is an intimate relationship, and after marriage, personal space is bound to be broken by closeness to another person, so marriage affects one's sense of autonomy and control over one's personal life.

For example, your work schedule and eating habits may need to be readjusted, and you may have to consider your partner's needs and feelings when making many decisions, and need to communicate and discuss with your partner, rather than going your own way.

Therefore, in order to enter into an intimate relationship and enjoy the love, resources and access that intimacy brings, it is necessary to learn to give up some of your own space, time and even personal hobbies. This is the dialectic of a happy life, and it requires such wisdom and commitment on the part of those entering marriage. Thus to build a happy marriage, we must learn to gain from giving up.

There is another idea that is particularly harmful to a happy marriage, and that is the idea that marriage is a temple of happiness. This phrase makes people mistakenly think that marriage comes with the attribute of happiness and that they will automatically be happy as long as they enter the marriage. Therefore, many people are not psychologically prepared to pay for marriage and work hard to build it.

Marriage has its own growth stage, in the beginning of the passionate period, marriage can indeed tolerate and cover up a lot of problems, but when the passion fades, people will eventually face the ordinary, trivial family life. At this point, the ability to give and build on the marriage determines the future direction of the marriage. Instead of taking without measure, everyone in a marriage must give positively emotionally, in life, and materially.

The theory of interpersonal reciprocity tells us that people prefer those who give to them and who affirm their worth, so a good marriage requires giving positive words and genuine care. The authors of The Five Languages of Love say that a good marriage requires words of affirmation (frequent and sincere compliments to a loved one), careful moments (giving exclusive time to be with a loved one), giving gifts (rituals are important), actions of service (words won't do it, you have to actually help your loved one do something), and physical touch (caressing physical interactions).

There was a couple of visitors who could not express their love and were living a boring life. In counseling, I suggested that they make these 5 love languages their homework from Monday to Friday and complete one each day.

At first, they just completed it mechanically, but later they could feel more and more the power of this kind of giving love, and their relationship became really close. Therefore, high-quality love is never empty slogans and requirements for marital responsibilities, but to pay the real love and care for the partner.

Guys who are ready to enter into marriage, marriage will really bring us a lot of sweet feelings and a lot of value, and it is worth boldly pursuing. But be sure to be fully prepared before marriage, this growth of mind will surely help you reap the benefits of a happy marriage.