Q: Lisa is my sister. She has suffered from domestic violence for many years. We all advised her to leave, but she still followed the man. The son, who grew up year by year, watched her being raped, and finally beat his father several times. Who knows, when her son hit her father, Lisa shouted at her son and even used her body to block her husband's fist. What's the matter with her?

A: For the general public, the first thing to associate with such a case is probably Stockholm syndrome. It refers to a complex in which the victim has feelings for the criminal and even helps the criminal in turn. This emotion causes the victim to have a good feeling, dependence on the perpetrator, and even assist the perpetrator.

Although Stockholm syndrome originated from the psychological dependence of hostages on hostages. In the case of your sister, it seems that her domestic violence is not so serious that her life and death are controlled by her husband, but her behavior is the same as that of the abductee, who treats the rescuers, whether their sons or relatives, as enemies to defend her husband.

The common ground between victims of domestic violence and Stockholm syndrome is that people who are emotionally dependent on others are easily victims because the perpetrators are generally highly manipulative. The difference is only that the former is the result of long-term and chronic domestication, while the latter is the role identification under short-term extreme situations.

The earliest psychologists were just as confused as you, why someone's choices and decisions always ran counter to her own happiness. Gradually, a type of personality emerged: self-masochistic (masochistic) personality. They often complain and complain, but at the same time they are willing to suffer and be abused. They not only let others (such as husbands) hurt themselves, but also often hurt themselves and degrade themselves.

Any human behavior has its special significance. Some of these meanings are conscious, but more of them come from the subconscious. For example, your sister may not be able to explain and understand why she is like this. However, we can infer that at the subconscious level, there must be more important satisfaction and pursuit for her to make her willing to bear and offset the physical pain. The most common pursuit is to maintain the existence of relationships regardless of cost. Compared with the fear of neglect, lack of interpersonal intimacy, loneliness and the threat of domestic violence, the physical injury becomes insignificant for them.

In the cognition of this kind of personality, there are some distorted but deep-rooted ideas or beliefs, which are mostly the result of being brainwashed forcefully by the perpetrators. For example, I am beaten because I am not good, I cannot live without him, I am worthless, I am a fool... Because they have become accustomed to being beaten, so that they form the expectation of being beaten, and then feel relaxed after being beaten - I have been beaten, This will not be abandoned. Even, they will secretly expect and fantasize that after enduring enough violence, they will eventually bring happiness. This also explains why they regard the rescuer as their enemy. For example, your sister scolded her son because he tried to break her most important interpersonal ties.

In the study of masochistic personality, it was found that most of them had been abused, neglected or wrongly punished by their parents when they were young. Among them, abuse is easier to understand, and it is the root of learned masochism; Ignorance is not easy to be noticed. If a child accidentally finds out that she is injured, her parents will care about it. In the long run, she may develop a model of "exchanging attention with hurting herself, including being injured". Similarly, if parents abuse punishment, children will learn that pain is the price that must be paid to obtain intimate relationships. These children often internalize the rationality of their parents' improper behavior, which leads to their inability to trust and enter into normal intimate relationships when they grow up, because this is different from their early familiar, learning and adaptive patterns. On the contrary, they often fall into abusive relationships similar to childhood unconsciously.

Your sister's masochism tendency and emotional attachment to her husband are clear and strong. Although you are her relative, I'm afraid you can't do much about it. If you persuade her to leave, she will only be ignored by her. What she needs is your sympathy and indignation, but she has no intention of really leaving him, at least for now. This is also the reason why social workers found that some rescued severely abused women finally returned to the side of their victims. Unless your sister realizes herself one day and asks for professional help, she will have a chance to break away from her prison.