Husbands and wives do not care about right and wrong

For example: the husband said that he wanted to go hiking with his friends, the wife said that you pull back, the evening you must go with friends to drink and play cards, where is to go hiking. So the husband began to cite his usual how much attention to exercise, that his wife has a stereotype of himself. The wife feels that these are based on the husband's usual behavior and inferred, and then the two began to quarrel.

The right "fighting position"

Although the "self-interest bias" is an almost instinctive sense of self-defense, it proves that the person's self-esteem is in a fragile state when faced with a conflict or an uncertain situation. When a person's sense of self-esteem is fragile, then he will naturally think about defending his self-esteem first. As a result, it is difficult for him to consider the other person's feelings - or he simply does not realize that his partner may have a different personality, perceptions and needs.

From this point of "self-esteem", it is possible to explore many strategies to face conflicts and optimize the relationship:

Learn to reflect and realize that your own perceptions don't mean everything!

No one has a perfect upbringing, so our perceptions are bound to be subjective, one-sided, or even flawed. For example, differences in the parenting styles of families of origin predispose some people to have a stronger sense of self-esteem, and some people to have a lack of self-esteem. Therefore, the emotions in a conflict sometimes come not necessarily from the problem itself, or the attitude of the other person, but from self-denial and low self-esteem.

Learn to listen to your inner needs and observe the other person's real needs

When people overuse the self-interest bias, then they are bound to be overly concerned about what they give. But what is the real purpose of emphasizing one's giving so urgently? Is it because they feel tired? Or is it that one wants to get a little more? Often, we need to learn to "concretize" our true needs and articulate them clearly - and at the same time try to understand the other person's true needs in an inquisitive manner.

Learning to control conflict and be solution oriented rather than escalating it

Perhaps we can take the above conversation between husband and wife as an example to analyze what "solution-oriented" means. The husband should first face his own heart honestly, to determine whether he really want to hike, or go out with friends to have fun. When challenged by his wife, the husband can focus on his real needs (e.g., he really wants to go hiking) and the nature of the conflict (his wife doesn't believe in it), and then develop a solution to the problem, and how to make a travel plan that will satisfy his wife (e.g., take her with him). But avoid expending your energy on: why don't you believe me ...... why do you want to deny my relationship with my friends ...... and other such emotionally rendered conflicts.

Quite honestly, perhaps it is precisely because relationships are overly close and too dependent on each other that it is difficult to pull back from the emotional drain. Therefore, learning to manage emotions and navigate conflicts is not an easy process either.