Many of my visitors have asked me this question:
"Why do I pay so much in my feelings, and she still doesn't love me?"
In their view, as long as they pay enough for the other half in their feelings and are good enough for the other half, they can get their love; He is so kind to him. If he doesn't love himself, he has a problem with his character. He is a dirty man/woman who cheats his feelings.
As an emotional counselor, I would like to say that the reason why the person who raised this question can't get the love of the other half is not that the other half has a problem with personality, but that they pay too much in their feelings, which leads to the imbalance of their relationship.
From a psychological point of view, in a relationship, the behavior of excessive pay often leads to the imbalance of the relationship. Because when you continuously pay for a person, your heart is really eager to get feedback; For you, giving is not your goal, but getting feedback from others.
In other words, the reason why you pay so much is that you want to maintain the relationship with others by paying.
For example, for parents, the reason why you will pay a lot for them is that you want to get recognition from them; For colleagues and friends, the reason why you always take care of them is that you want them to have a positive evaluation of you; For the other half, the reason why you continue to be good to her is that you want to exchange love for love.
It can be said that you have been exchanging for what you want from others by giving. The relationship formed in this way is often unstable. Even if it can be maintained for a while, it will not last long.
Because at the beginning of the relationship, you get along with people with the purpose of exchange, rather than sincerely want to establish emotional connection with each other. Once you stop paying for each other, they will not give back to you, and the relationship will gradually fade; This is true of interpersonal relationships, especially intimate relationships.
In the relationship, when the other half gets used to your efforts, the threshold of his feeling loved will become higher; At this time, even if you are good enough for him, he can no longer feel it, let alone give back to you. Instead, he will feel that it is unnecessary to pay for you, and you will not feel his love for you.
Moreover, you should also know that intimate relationships are much more complicated than other interpersonal relationships. In intimate relationships, you can easily develop a belief that if I pay 10% for my other half, I deserve 10% feedback. Once you can't get it, you will feel aggrieved, angry, disappointed, and even collapse inside, feeling that your efforts are not worth it.
Driven by these negative emotions, you are likely to ask your partner to love you in a tough way, such as putting forward a series of high requirements for him to prove that he loves you, and testing his bottom line in a noisy way.
But at this time, the other half will feel that you are carrying out "emotional kidnapping" on him, and this relationship will become very heavy for him, and he will want to escape, even less willing to express his love to you.
So, the reason why the other half doesn't love you is not that you don't pay enough, but that your behavior pattern of paying too much for the other half has led to the imbalance of your relationship, making the other half no longer willing to express love to you, or even unwilling to pay for you.
In fact, in this case, if you can really love yourself, you will love yourself with seven percent of your energy and love the other half with three percent of your energy; In this way, even if you only get the other half of your love, your mentality will not be out of balance, and your relationship will not be out of balance. After all, love yourself is the beginning of lifelong romance.
May you cherish the people you love around you, learn to love, pay love, and harvest love.